June 10, 2009 - Elder Perrin

Oh hey, so I'm pretty retarded for sending dads letter so soon. I thought I missed fathers day actually, and I didn't even realize it was on the 21st. oops, so yeah, save it. It should make him tear up, if it doesn't let me know, because that letter would make the grinch tear up. For crying out loud it made me tear up. This year is weird in Chicago, because it's still cold. It's still sweater weather here, I don't think it was like this last year. But I don't know, this week was ok I guess. How can I explain it, well the best way I can explain how I feel is that I'm sick of being a missionary, really, I'm sick of it. I'm tired, disappointed, tired, my head hurts, I'm tired of baby sitting, I cant' even tell you how tired I am of babysitting my companions. I'ts like they were all breast fed until the day they left on their missions, and their parents did everything for them. It's so annoying to have to be like their mother and clean up after them and help them to not be stupid and this and that and it's just annoying. How hard is it to clean the dishes and pick up after yourself? Not that hard is it? Is it? I didn't think so but apparently it's just way too much. And saying something about it doesn't do anything of course, you know that , and being nice about it doesn't change it either. Man, and then it's just ridiculous the missionary work in Chicago, I cant' count the number of people I talk to every day to try and share the gospel. Every person I see, I talk to, hoping that one might listen, and once in a while they do, but in the end it all amounts to nothing, absolutely nothing. Just another seed planted and that's it. No one is really interested, and I'm just tired of being a missionary. Talking to people all day, canceled appointments, members who don't understand, companion who all he cares about is his girlfriend, long hours, rejection, no sleep, no music, tracting, no results, no results whatsoever, feeling guilty all day because I'm never good enough or perfect and list just goes on. Yeah so I'm supposed to remember Christ and his atonement and his comfort he can give bla bla yes the holy ghost does that but I don't even have that many experiences with the holy ghost, I know other people who aren't missionaries who have way more spiritual experience than I do. when do I get the cool experience of having the holy ghost whisper something in my ear to tell me where to go or what to say, aren't I entitled to that stuff? Or maybe that stuff isn't for everyone, or maybe I don't believe enough, or have enough faith, or am not worthy enough, or am not spiritual enough. Great, just another reason I can feel worse about myself, the missionary who should be having all these spiritual things happening isn't good enough to have those experiences, even though he's obedient to the rules and is trying his best. Nope, I'm just not good enough. That's just great, I'm just ready to be done with this, I'm just tired of it and ready to be done. But I can't even slack is the worst part, because then there's this whole thing about god holding me accountable for all the people I didn't talk to and for not trying my best, and having their blood on my garments at the last day because I didn't talk to them on the street or at their door. That scripture in Jacob 1:19 just makes me feel like every mistake I make I'm going to hell for. Great, that just adds to my excitement to be a missionary, when's my nap time? It's not even going to come after the mission because of school, work, school, work, and then on top of that I have to figure out how to get a social life, because the one I had or thought I would come back to is macking on other guys and it all just makes me sick. Well I apologize for venting, it was probably unnesesary, I don't know how to spell that word, but anyway I really enjoyed the email, thanks so much. Tell charlie I miss him. As for school, well just let me know if I can do anything, 4000 miles away from home. I forgot what else I was going to say, but I apologize for going off like that. It really is a blessing to be a missionary, I shouldn't complain like that. forgive me. I love you and I hope you have a good week. Tell Chels and Tam good luck for the job and stuff, I am still going to try to write Tam and Chels, tell them sorry for that. Love you tonz!
love Curtis